You would've loved Lula, Shandy

Tonight I reached for my chest
Realizing that the little scratch you gave me
So sore and pained when I first received it
Has went away

And I have no idea whats wrong with this earth
Why you had to be so young, defenseless
Taken away and barely six weeks

Your softness was such a blessing
So tiny, framed in fur of snow and brown hues
Loved so tenciously
Loved till your sweet, virtuous end...


I have recently lost a kitten that my family had adopted the day before Christmas Eve.  Her name was Lula-Bella.  The most perfect little creature you could imagine.  Shandy would've loved her.  I was told that I'm still in the age of receiving things in my life, but as of late it seems that every new thing I start to love recently has been ripped away.

Wintry.

..........

Conclusion of the day:
Night time is the worst time to think about her.

A piece of it

Silence. All around me there is just a numbing silence even though the tv is on and I have music playing.  I looked at picture of her. A piece of my heart broke and I felt the shard slicing down my body.  Some days I can take it. This day I can't.

But I just have to take a deep breathe and let it all just sink deeper inside of me so I can deal with it later.

stressed, tired.

soft shock - yeah yeah yeahs

and I didn't want to say it but here it goes

I was crossing the street today. Standing in between two cars checking the other direction since at least one was at a stand still.  I had already found out that my grandfather's cat died today by more than likely getting hit by a car.  And I thought to myself the way it would feel just to get hit and only feel it for a minuet second, hopefully.  The crushing impact of the metal against the side of my purse and laptop, hardly any protection. Flying through the air so rapidly I wouldn't even realize it. and laying there. Like Samurai or Lars.

Just another life form not really appreciated by a stranger but only loved by a family and many friends.  I stood there thinking this.  No cars were coming. But the thought didn't leave my mind till I started up the staircase to home. To Sage.

Sometimes

I got this weird feeling today of complete, utter loneliness.  I feel like sometimes I do have a break through when grieving over Shandy and then all of a sudden I have a relapse.  My emotions are completely crumbling the foundations of my sanity.  I thought of her voice. I better not forget it. I couldn't stand it if I forgot the way she talked and laughed.

Also, I've been thinking of Jaylen.  It really would have been amazing to be her godmother. That child would've been so spoiled!

Always and forever,
Angie

Music mood I'm in:
Explosions in the Sky - The Birth And Death Of The Day

heart is a heart

my heart is a heart
open to be scrutinized
my heart is a heart
open to be loved

my heart is a heart
with open window panes
my heart is a heart
with arteries swollen with anger

my heart is a heart
damaged with out cause
my heart is a heart
damaged with seared flesh

my heart is a heart
for you to hold
my heart is a heart
for me to take back home

Train

Train - Hopeless

Cold, rainy. Missing her. But not as bad.

We

We don't talk anymore
The distance of the physical realm
prohibits even the simplest whisper.

We don't share things anymore
Laughs or giggles
Long evenings we spent together in the mountains.

And it sickens me to know
I lost an earring you gave me
Like I lost you.

Song for the mood I'm in today

The Approaching Night - Philip Wesley

somber sweet

Feeling good today

Not only have I been feeling better this day but for the past week I've just been a little happier.  I've finally designed something in one of my classes that I'm really passionate about, have two prospective clients to do work for, and Sage and I are finally getting our engagement photos done tomorrow.  Life couldn't be more perfect at the current moment and I know Shandy would be glad to know I've been smiling.

I was recently thinking about this one poem she wrote a while back when we were both freshman and I thought I should include it on here.  Hope you enjoy reading her lovely words as much as I have been lately.

Tread Lightly on the Earth Mother...


For She is fragile and wise...

Warmth, a brisk Spring morning
Transformed by the warmth of our
spirits, our kindred spirits
we prance through the Earth
Mother, lightly; we know her strength, her wisdom, her fragility

We are reminded of her power
the elements of water frigid
and painful piercing the flesh
with thousands of daggers, only
to with time embrace us again
with open arms as her children

The warm comfort of the sun
on rocks of ancient power now
hold us tightly
strengthening our energy
we chant to the rumble of
crashing water and whispers
from the trees

we speak of ignorance, of those
blind to the sacred power slowly
dwindling from our heavenly bodies
the Earth Mother screams in pain
how could we be so distructive?

So intrusive?
So Evil

We were not so created

As our mother bleeds we grow and cultivate hate
greed

What is this? What is this great darkness coming over us?
We will soon be smuthered by a hate
greater than any could comprehend
Then we will be cleansed, not by man;
for man generates the dirt from whence
evil sprang.

Our Mother will cleanse herself, and us
in so doing...

Those who have knowledge of her might
and wisdom may be spared; OR not
as the goddess sees fit

All that has been destroyed will again
rise as the heavenly bodies dance and
align

The Earth children, our brethren
will join us in basking in the warmth of
our mother, ...my kindred companion

Those lead astray that we passed will
again see the beauty, and the strength

Not yet...The Moon will again rise with
the blood and pain of much toil....

Peace be Amung You...

And I wonder...

what would it take to get a day just to be with you again.  Just a day. No more, no less.

heart broken

I can't look at pregnant people at all lately. And everytime I watch Teen Mom I get jealous that these girls are alive with their babies, family, and friends.

I just recently had a scare that I might've been with child.  It was terrifying. The only thing I could think of was what Shandy was probably thinking when she first found out she was.

I've just been so heart broken, soul broken, everything just falling apart inside.

I just want to sleep for days and be left alone.  I'm tired of people.

November 7th

How do you fix a broken heart?
I don't know how,
Or even where to start.
Shandy theres just a lonely spot,
That cries in shame
About so many things I can't say.

8.21.88 compared to 8.21.10

Today I was talking with one of my coworkers about how her birthday went.  Just asking the normal questions of what she just received as her present from her lovely man and where they went for her birthday meal.  And inside of my head I started remembering what I did on mine.

I remember eating at Proper with Sage and spending time with him before he went to work.  Lounging around the apartment cleaning up. And texting Shandy.  She was still at the hospital and I texted her asking, "Are you still at the hospital." and I got a one worded reply, "Yes."  After that I texted her asking if she was doing alright but never got a response back.  It wasn't till the next morning in a sleepy daze I got a call from Debbie saying Shandy had passed.  A wave of sickness just rushed over me and all I could mutter was no over and over again.

And I don't know if its a selfish thought or not but lately I've just been thinking how am I going to treat every birthday of mine knowing it was Shandy's last day as well.  Is there any symbolic life meaning behind it? Should I go to a tarot card reader and find out what it means? Is there any meaning to all this crazy chaos that rules my thoughts about her?

I just wish I had the answers.  I wish I knew how I'm going to handle each birthday know it was the last day of hers.

I wish someone would just tell me.

Current Mood: Acoustic Grateful Dead

Winter now

Its been cold today.  Cold enough to keep me awake and alert which has been refreshing.  I thought about Shandy a little today.  Remembering the Upward Bound meetings that we would have to go to and stay at till night and how during the winter we would run around like crazed animals because we could.

I haven't been crying that much lately.

It only seems to happen at the most inopportune times like at work or the coffee shop though, like right now.  When will the days come when I won't cry? Probably never.

"Cleo's Song"

I've been playing this song on repeat for the past 10 minutes.  It's sad and lonesome but it still has a nice ending that gives the story a great place to begin and end at.

"Ain't no use in calling up your friends
Ain't no use in hiding in your bed
And ain't no use in standing on your head
Cause no new sights can fill your loneliness

Seven days of time to fix your head
Seven days of time you walk the ledge
And every time you catch the sight of your reflection
And you can't decide if you should cry or if it's time to laugh

Can't count how many times I've heard you say
You'd give up all you got for just a day
Of feeling fine, no counting lines
That settled up under your eyes
To fall in love, to fall in love, to fall in love

And sympathy no doubt you weren't your friend
And it's too late now but I wrote this down back then
And there ain't no use in cutting through the darkness that envelops you
You have to let the light come in instead"

I miss Shandy so much right now.  It's still hard to believe that in this world she is gone and how many people out there are still loving and missing her.

Such is life I guess...

New month, new day, new week

Sometimes there is a loneliness I feel when I'm staring off into the distance.  Day dreaming of the memories I have about Shandy.  I'm sitting in my office right now, trying to write a paper about Dale Chihuly.  All I can think about is a black void.

Seems like every thing in this world has turned upside down and backwards the past 3 weeks.  I'm going to start this week off on a good note though.  Especially by making sure I at least find one or two good things that I can do that day or appreciate.


I need to shift out of my depressed paradigm.

Mood I'm in now: Fade into You
 
"I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there."

Side note about this blog

This blog is not only my grieving page but also my artistic interpretation of what I'm going through.  Do not be alarmed if there is anything within this blog that seems dramatic or drastic.  I'm just writing down pure emotion. 

Basically it's my id doing all the writing.

Blood Soaked

Have you ever felt
like there was a pain
so deep inside?
Like someone took a shotgun
with bullets so big they
could kill elephants
and
shot you in the heart?

It seems like everyday
I'm changing the bandages
Blood soaked
the flow being
tenaciously persistent.
Only love
can save this
tired, young heart.

The way it feels today...

I listen to sad songs
write poems
that break my heart

All because I've forgotten
how to breathe
project my life and soul

Everyday I'm learning
that your life was important
the way it walked in to mine

I got this anger inside
that I always have to push deep down
because I know you wouldn't want me
to still painfully think about you

Shandy of mine
there isn't another out there like you
There just isn't

-------------------------------------------------------------

Lately I've been wishing I could call Shandy.  Just shoot the breeze like we did when we had time.  I remember going back home one year and how we started watching LOTR together.  Just simply us.

It wasn't till I went to Nashville I realized how lost inside I was.  I dreamt one night that not only had I lost Shandy, but my sweet Sage.  I woke up with tears cascading out of my eyes.  Everything at that moment felt so damned.  In the dream I was just walking. Not living. Not interacting. I was lost and downtrodden.

On the way back to Boone I took a moment to pray.  I asked God that if he really did love me, like the Bible says he does, he would have to show me a sign that Shandy and Jaylen were alright.  All of a sudden the clouds broke away and the sunlight showered down on the moments.  The colors of the leaves were spectacular.  The way the wild flowers swayed in the wind.  Their delicate white petals clustered so tenderly together.

Some days though I wish I could be taken from this world.  And its not a suicidal thought at all.  I've just always felt I wasn't meant to grow old.  Who knows.  My heart is just hurting presently and I'm trying not to cry at work.

Heres a song thats currently playing at work.  I think it sums up my mood currently.

Ray Lamontage - I Still Care For You

October 8th, 2010...I'll finally send Shandy's parents their card

I've been putting it off for a while...ever since I got to Boone September 12th.  For me it's like finally realizing that she is gone.  That I'm letting go of her presence on this Earth as a living being.  It's been hard. I don't want to do it but I just have to let go.  I have to let her memory just be with me always and expect that I'll see her one day.

22

22
the lag of time
of in between
the sleep
and answering the phone
i knew my heart was racing too fast

the only comfort was
the sunshine
saying
"she wouldn't want you to be this way."

with a valley of
lavender and sweat scented pillow creases
interrupted by the smooth strands of my hair
plastered with tears
so many things echoed unreal

didn't my body feel
the chance of something wrong
knowing
I couldn't grasp
'why didn't I talk so much
last time'

Thinking about her lately

Everyone I know from Sylva, my hometown, has been updating their facebook statues to this new song thats out, "If I die young."


I know it's suppose to be about the Lady of Shallot but some of the lyrics just really stabbed me in the heart like, "The sharp knife of a short life" really just bummed me out and I ended up sobbing for at least an hour after hearing this song.  I started thinking about losing her. Losing Jaelyn. Not being a godmother anymore.

But alas, each day is getting some what easier to deal with.  I am by no means over Shandy, its just...the thought of her not suffering anymore is pleasant.  And I feel as if I'm being selfish wanting her to be here with me right now.

I'm just hoping I don't forget the sound of her voice, her laughter, her everything...

Why

I don't know how to be happy anymore.  Of course there is always that nice, heart racing moment I have every now and then when something just grabs me but, as of late, I've been in a serious funk.  First let me tell you why.

She was beautiful, passionate, loving, and my best friend. Shandy, or as I knew her Sprite, me her Raven, is and always will be a soul mate to me.  We always knew what the other was going through and when we could make the distance we were there for each other.  We were cosmic sisters.  In high school our friendship blossomed.  We were both apart of Upward Bound, a program for high schoolers in our general area, when we first met.  It could be noted that we were on different ends of life's spectrum when we first started to get to know each other.  I was just another preppy girl dating the high school football player unaware of what surrounded me and she was going through a goth stage.  Meeting her changed all that.  We both in our own respected ways became Mother Earth's children.  We connected by wanting to change our surroundings by first changing within ourselves.  I remember I was always excited to see her at the Upward Bound group meetings so we could just get away from everyone and talk.  We would talk about the what had happened in our lives since the last we saw each other, her being on the volleyball team, my involvement in student council, etc. And of course her PNH.  It never hit me how serious it was till I saw her take medicine for it.  It scared me. And it still scares me even now.

Shandy had PNH, full name Paroxysmal nocturnal hemoglobinuria.  She never let it get in the way of her life. She was my hero with her robust strength. When I was first diagnosed with Rheumatic Fever she was there for me and helped me not feel sorry for myself.  She taught me that we have this life to live and whenever an obstacle gets in our way we just have to push through it and continue living. Still, I was always amazed how strong she was.  Always full of life and shining every time I saw her.


The night of my birthday was the day Shandy and my godchild, Jaelyn Elea, passed away. August 21st, 2010 at 11:40 pm. These are the numbers I will learn to live with, not be haunted by.



So this is my blog for healing.  I hope one day I'll think about about her and not shed a tear. Till then, I'm learning to cope with it all.  And I don't even think grieving of a loved one's death is learning how to cope with it but more of learning how to walk away with the memories you do have and keep on spreading the good vibes that they would've have wanted you to.