I listen to sad songs
write poems
that break my heart
All because I've forgotten
how to breathe
project my life and soul
Everyday I'm learning
that your life was important
the way it walked in to mine
I got this anger inside
that I always have to push deep down
because I know you wouldn't want me
to still painfully think about you
Shandy of mine
there isn't another out there like you
There just isn't
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Lately I've been wishing I could call Shandy. Just shoot the breeze like we did when we had time. I remember going back home one year and how we started watching LOTR together. Just simply us.
It wasn't till I went to Nashville I realized how lost inside I was. I dreamt one night that not only had I lost Shandy, but my sweet Sage. I woke up with tears cascading out of my eyes. Everything at that moment felt so damned. In the dream I was just walking. Not living. Not interacting. I was lost and downtrodden.
On the way back to Boone I took a moment to pray. I asked God that if he really did love me, like the Bible says he does, he would have to show me a sign that Shandy and Jaylen were alright. All of a sudden the clouds broke away and the sunlight showered down on the moments. The colors of the leaves were spectacular. The way the wild flowers swayed in the wind. Their delicate white petals clustered so tenderly together.
Some days though I wish I could be taken from this world. And its not a suicidal thought at all. I've just always felt I wasn't meant to grow old. Who knows. My heart is just hurting presently and I'm trying not to cry at work.
Heres a song thats currently playing at work. I think it sums up my mood currently.
Ray Lamontage - I Still Care For You