A piece of it

Silence. All around me there is just a numbing silence even though the tv is on and I have music playing.  I looked at picture of her. A piece of my heart broke and I felt the shard slicing down my body.  Some days I can take it. This day I can't.

But I just have to take a deep breathe and let it all just sink deeper inside of me so I can deal with it later.

stressed, tired.

soft shock - yeah yeah yeahs

and I didn't want to say it but here it goes

I was crossing the street today. Standing in between two cars checking the other direction since at least one was at a stand still.  I had already found out that my grandfather's cat died today by more than likely getting hit by a car.  And I thought to myself the way it would feel just to get hit and only feel it for a minuet second, hopefully.  The crushing impact of the metal against the side of my purse and laptop, hardly any protection. Flying through the air so rapidly I wouldn't even realize it. and laying there. Like Samurai or Lars.

Just another life form not really appreciated by a stranger but only loved by a family and many friends.  I stood there thinking this.  No cars were coming. But the thought didn't leave my mind till I started up the staircase to home. To Sage.

Sometimes

I got this weird feeling today of complete, utter loneliness.  I feel like sometimes I do have a break through when grieving over Shandy and then all of a sudden I have a relapse.  My emotions are completely crumbling the foundations of my sanity.  I thought of her voice. I better not forget it. I couldn't stand it if I forgot the way she talked and laughed.

Also, I've been thinking of Jaylen.  It really would have been amazing to be her godmother. That child would've been so spoiled!

Always and forever,
Angie

Music mood I'm in:
Explosions in the Sky - The Birth And Death Of The Day

heart is a heart

my heart is a heart
open to be scrutinized
my heart is a heart
open to be loved

my heart is a heart
with open window panes
my heart is a heart
with arteries swollen with anger

my heart is a heart
damaged with out cause
my heart is a heart
damaged with seared flesh

my heart is a heart
for you to hold
my heart is a heart
for me to take back home

Train

Train - Hopeless

Cold, rainy. Missing her. But not as bad.

We

We don't talk anymore
The distance of the physical realm
prohibits even the simplest whisper.

We don't share things anymore
Laughs or giggles
Long evenings we spent together in the mountains.

And it sickens me to know
I lost an earring you gave me
Like I lost you.

Song for the mood I'm in today

The Approaching Night - Philip Wesley

somber sweet

Feeling good today

Not only have I been feeling better this day but for the past week I've just been a little happier.  I've finally designed something in one of my classes that I'm really passionate about, have two prospective clients to do work for, and Sage and I are finally getting our engagement photos done tomorrow.  Life couldn't be more perfect at the current moment and I know Shandy would be glad to know I've been smiling.

I was recently thinking about this one poem she wrote a while back when we were both freshman and I thought I should include it on here.  Hope you enjoy reading her lovely words as much as I have been lately.

Tread Lightly on the Earth Mother...


For She is fragile and wise...

Warmth, a brisk Spring morning
Transformed by the warmth of our
spirits, our kindred spirits
we prance through the Earth
Mother, lightly; we know her strength, her wisdom, her fragility

We are reminded of her power
the elements of water frigid
and painful piercing the flesh
with thousands of daggers, only
to with time embrace us again
with open arms as her children

The warm comfort of the sun
on rocks of ancient power now
hold us tightly
strengthening our energy
we chant to the rumble of
crashing water and whispers
from the trees

we speak of ignorance, of those
blind to the sacred power slowly
dwindling from our heavenly bodies
the Earth Mother screams in pain
how could we be so distructive?

So intrusive?
So Evil

We were not so created

As our mother bleeds we grow and cultivate hate
greed

What is this? What is this great darkness coming over us?
We will soon be smuthered by a hate
greater than any could comprehend
Then we will be cleansed, not by man;
for man generates the dirt from whence
evil sprang.

Our Mother will cleanse herself, and us
in so doing...

Those who have knowledge of her might
and wisdom may be spared; OR not
as the goddess sees fit

All that has been destroyed will again
rise as the heavenly bodies dance and
align

The Earth children, our brethren
will join us in basking in the warmth of
our mother, ...my kindred companion

Those lead astray that we passed will
again see the beauty, and the strength

Not yet...The Moon will again rise with
the blood and pain of much toil....

Peace be Amung You...

And I wonder...

what would it take to get a day just to be with you again.  Just a day. No more, no less.

heart broken

I can't look at pregnant people at all lately. And everytime I watch Teen Mom I get jealous that these girls are alive with their babies, family, and friends.

I just recently had a scare that I might've been with child.  It was terrifying. The only thing I could think of was what Shandy was probably thinking when she first found out she was.

I've just been so heart broken, soul broken, everything just falling apart inside.

I just want to sleep for days and be left alone.  I'm tired of people.

November 7th

How do you fix a broken heart?
I don't know how,
Or even where to start.
Shandy theres just a lonely spot,
That cries in shame
About so many things I can't say.

8.21.88 compared to 8.21.10

Today I was talking with one of my coworkers about how her birthday went.  Just asking the normal questions of what she just received as her present from her lovely man and where they went for her birthday meal.  And inside of my head I started remembering what I did on mine.

I remember eating at Proper with Sage and spending time with him before he went to work.  Lounging around the apartment cleaning up. And texting Shandy.  She was still at the hospital and I texted her asking, "Are you still at the hospital." and I got a one worded reply, "Yes."  After that I texted her asking if she was doing alright but never got a response back.  It wasn't till the next morning in a sleepy daze I got a call from Debbie saying Shandy had passed.  A wave of sickness just rushed over me and all I could mutter was no over and over again.

And I don't know if its a selfish thought or not but lately I've just been thinking how am I going to treat every birthday of mine knowing it was Shandy's last day as well.  Is there any symbolic life meaning behind it? Should I go to a tarot card reader and find out what it means? Is there any meaning to all this crazy chaos that rules my thoughts about her?

I just wish I had the answers.  I wish I knew how I'm going to handle each birthday know it was the last day of hers.

I wish someone would just tell me.

Current Mood: Acoustic Grateful Dead

Winter now

Its been cold today.  Cold enough to keep me awake and alert which has been refreshing.  I thought about Shandy a little today.  Remembering the Upward Bound meetings that we would have to go to and stay at till night and how during the winter we would run around like crazed animals because we could.

I haven't been crying that much lately.

It only seems to happen at the most inopportune times like at work or the coffee shop though, like right now.  When will the days come when I won't cry? Probably never.

"Cleo's Song"

I've been playing this song on repeat for the past 10 minutes.  It's sad and lonesome but it still has a nice ending that gives the story a great place to begin and end at.

"Ain't no use in calling up your friends
Ain't no use in hiding in your bed
And ain't no use in standing on your head
Cause no new sights can fill your loneliness

Seven days of time to fix your head
Seven days of time you walk the ledge
And every time you catch the sight of your reflection
And you can't decide if you should cry or if it's time to laugh

Can't count how many times I've heard you say
You'd give up all you got for just a day
Of feeling fine, no counting lines
That settled up under your eyes
To fall in love, to fall in love, to fall in love

And sympathy no doubt you weren't your friend
And it's too late now but I wrote this down back then
And there ain't no use in cutting through the darkness that envelops you
You have to let the light come in instead"

I miss Shandy so much right now.  It's still hard to believe that in this world she is gone and how many people out there are still loving and missing her.

Such is life I guess...

New month, new day, new week

Sometimes there is a loneliness I feel when I'm staring off into the distance.  Day dreaming of the memories I have about Shandy.  I'm sitting in my office right now, trying to write a paper about Dale Chihuly.  All I can think about is a black void.

Seems like every thing in this world has turned upside down and backwards the past 3 weeks.  I'm going to start this week off on a good note though.  Especially by making sure I at least find one or two good things that I can do that day or appreciate.


I need to shift out of my depressed paradigm.

Mood I'm in now: Fade into You
 
"I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there."