I just got done watching It's Kind of a Funny Story and it gave me some insight. I won't tell you here, you'll have to watch it for yourself, but instead of feeling like nothing is happening to me and being numb and sad I need to celebrate my life that I have.
I can't keep this guilt in my heart anymore about Shandy. We did fucked up things to each other but we also loved each other. I'm going to remember the good times and the bad and remember to keep living without the misty haze affecting my life anymore.
No friend is ever perfect. Granted Shandy and I were so very alike in so many ways with the way we wanted a better future for the next generations, how we enjoyed the serenity of being immersed in nature, the way we expressed ourselves visually instead of verbally, etc. Those thoughts and memories are going to have to continue on as such. I can't bring her back, and I wouldn't want to. I've grown since August 21st. It was a bumpy road. I can't look at my birthday the same way anymore.
Maybe there isn't some symbolism of why she had to die that day. It was just how it happened. It sucks. But in a way that date is symbolic now because it will be a day I will rebirth her memory and Jaylen.
I'm tired of making myself sad. I'm shifting and it feels good.