Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Feeling
I just got done watching It's Kind of a Funny Story and it gave me some insight. I won't tell you here, you'll have to watch it for yourself, but instead of feeling like nothing is happening to me and being numb and sad I need to celebrate my life that I have.
I can't keep this guilt in my heart anymore about Shandy. We did fucked up things to each other but we also loved each other. I'm going to remember the good times and the bad and remember to keep living without the misty haze affecting my life anymore.
No friend is ever perfect. Granted Shandy and I were so very alike in so many ways with the way we wanted a better future for the next generations, how we enjoyed the serenity of being immersed in nature, the way we expressed ourselves visually instead of verbally, etc. Those thoughts and memories are going to have to continue on as such. I can't bring her back, and I wouldn't want to. I've grown since August 21st. It was a bumpy road. I can't look at my birthday the same way anymore.
Maybe there isn't some symbolism of why she had to die that day. It was just how it happened. It sucks. But in a way that date is symbolic now because it will be a day I will rebirth her memory and Jaylen.
I'm tired of making myself sad. I'm shifting and it feels good.
I can't keep this guilt in my heart anymore about Shandy. We did fucked up things to each other but we also loved each other. I'm going to remember the good times and the bad and remember to keep living without the misty haze affecting my life anymore.
No friend is ever perfect. Granted Shandy and I were so very alike in so many ways with the way we wanted a better future for the next generations, how we enjoyed the serenity of being immersed in nature, the way we expressed ourselves visually instead of verbally, etc. Those thoughts and memories are going to have to continue on as such. I can't bring her back, and I wouldn't want to. I've grown since August 21st. It was a bumpy road. I can't look at my birthday the same way anymore.
Maybe there isn't some symbolism of why she had to die that day. It was just how it happened. It sucks. But in a way that date is symbolic now because it will be a day I will rebirth her memory and Jaylen.
I'm tired of making myself sad. I'm shifting and it feels good.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Funny memories during TRAXX
One of the many songs Shandy and I sang together
Stayin' Alive - Bee Gees
or Numa Numa on the back roads through the woods.
Stayin' Alive - Bee Gees
or Numa Numa on the back roads through the woods.
Making a list
During the mourning process, there is a time you stop missing the person in a way. I'm currently making a list of things Shandy and I did to each other that made the other mad. I'm making her human again. I'm taking her death off the pedestal and looking at her in a honest manner.
Granted, I still do miss her. The other day during a critique I was talking about a piece that is part of a series called Soul Searcher. The series focuses on her and Jaylen. How I feel like I'm just this floating soul thats lost and I'm searching for the meaning of it all. When I was discussing the symbolism in the piece I broke down. I have no one I can turn to to talk about Shandy the way I knew her. It was the first time in a long while I had a conversation about her and it shocked my system.
It's hard for me to imagine the gift I was presented with by her to be her daughters God Mother. How I still dream of spoiling that little girl! But I never will...in this life time at least.
But, like I said before, I'm making a list to make her human again instead of thinking of her as the perfect person in the world. In a way I still think she is, mostly because we were so alike. She was my carbon copy in way.
.............
Granted, I still do miss her. The other day during a critique I was talking about a piece that is part of a series called Soul Searcher. The series focuses on her and Jaylen. How I feel like I'm just this floating soul thats lost and I'm searching for the meaning of it all. When I was discussing the symbolism in the piece I broke down. I have no one I can turn to to talk about Shandy the way I knew her. It was the first time in a long while I had a conversation about her and it shocked my system.
It's hard for me to imagine the gift I was presented with by her to be her daughters God Mother. How I still dream of spoiling that little girl! But I never will...in this life time at least.
But, like I said before, I'm making a list to make her human again instead of thinking of her as the perfect person in the world. In a way I still think she is, mostly because we were so alike. She was my carbon copy in way.
.............
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)