This blog is not only my grieving page but also my artistic interpretation of what I'm going through. Do not be alarmed if there is anything within this blog that seems dramatic or drastic. I'm just writing down pure emotion.
Basically it's my id doing all the writing.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Blood Soaked
Have you ever felt
like there was a pain
so deep inside?
Like someone took a shotgun
with bullets so big they
could kill elephants
and
shot you in the heart?
It seems like everyday
I'm changing the bandages
Blood soaked
the flow being
tenaciously persistent.
Only love
can save this
tired, young heart.
like there was a pain
so deep inside?
Like someone took a shotgun
with bullets so big they
could kill elephants
and
shot you in the heart?
It seems like everyday
I'm changing the bandages
Blood soaked
the flow being
tenaciously persistent.
Only love
can save this
tired, young heart.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The way it feels today...
I listen to sad songs
write poems
that break my heart
All because I've forgotten
how to breathe
project my life and soul
Everyday I'm learning
that your life was important
the way it walked in to mine
I got this anger inside
that I always have to push deep down
because I know you wouldn't want me
to still painfully think about you
Shandy of mine
there isn't another out there like you
There just isn't
-------------------------------------------------------------
Lately I've been wishing I could call Shandy. Just shoot the breeze like we did when we had time. I remember going back home one year and how we started watching LOTR together. Just simply us.
It wasn't till I went to Nashville I realized how lost inside I was. I dreamt one night that not only had I lost Shandy, but my sweet Sage. I woke up with tears cascading out of my eyes. Everything at that moment felt so damned. In the dream I was just walking. Not living. Not interacting. I was lost and downtrodden.
On the way back to Boone I took a moment to pray. I asked God that if he really did love me, like the Bible says he does, he would have to show me a sign that Shandy and Jaylen were alright. All of a sudden the clouds broke away and the sunlight showered down on the moments. The colors of the leaves were spectacular. The way the wild flowers swayed in the wind. Their delicate white petals clustered so tenderly together.
Some days though I wish I could be taken from this world. And its not a suicidal thought at all. I've just always felt I wasn't meant to grow old. Who knows. My heart is just hurting presently and I'm trying not to cry at work.
Heres a song thats currently playing at work. I think it sums up my mood currently.
Ray Lamontage - I Still Care For You
write poems
that break my heart
All because I've forgotten
how to breathe
project my life and soul
Everyday I'm learning
that your life was important
the way it walked in to mine
I got this anger inside
that I always have to push deep down
because I know you wouldn't want me
to still painfully think about you
Shandy of mine
there isn't another out there like you
There just isn't
-------------------------------------------------------------
Lately I've been wishing I could call Shandy. Just shoot the breeze like we did when we had time. I remember going back home one year and how we started watching LOTR together. Just simply us.
It wasn't till I went to Nashville I realized how lost inside I was. I dreamt one night that not only had I lost Shandy, but my sweet Sage. I woke up with tears cascading out of my eyes. Everything at that moment felt so damned. In the dream I was just walking. Not living. Not interacting. I was lost and downtrodden.
On the way back to Boone I took a moment to pray. I asked God that if he really did love me, like the Bible says he does, he would have to show me a sign that Shandy and Jaylen were alright. All of a sudden the clouds broke away and the sunlight showered down on the moments. The colors of the leaves were spectacular. The way the wild flowers swayed in the wind. Their delicate white petals clustered so tenderly together.
Some days though I wish I could be taken from this world. And its not a suicidal thought at all. I've just always felt I wasn't meant to grow old. Who knows. My heart is just hurting presently and I'm trying not to cry at work.
Heres a song thats currently playing at work. I think it sums up my mood currently.
Ray Lamontage - I Still Care For You
Friday, October 8, 2010
October 8th, 2010...I'll finally send Shandy's parents their card
I've been putting it off for a while...ever since I got to Boone September 12th. For me it's like finally realizing that she is gone. That I'm letting go of her presence on this Earth as a living being. It's been hard. I don't want to do it but I just have to let go. I have to let her memory just be with me always and expect that I'll see her one day.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
22
22
the lag of time
of in between
the sleep
and answering the phone
i knew my heart was racing too fast
the only comfort was
the sunshine
saying
"she wouldn't want you to be this way."
with a valley of
lavender and sweat scented pillow creases
interrupted by the smooth strands of my hair
plastered with tears
so many things echoed unreal
didn't my body feel
the chance of something wrong
knowing
I couldn't grasp
'why didn't I talk so much
last time'
the lag of time
of in between
the sleep
and answering the phone
i knew my heart was racing too fast
the only comfort was
the sunshine
saying
"she wouldn't want you to be this way."
with a valley of
lavender and sweat scented pillow creases
interrupted by the smooth strands of my hair
plastered with tears
so many things echoed unreal
didn't my body feel
the chance of something wrong
knowing
I couldn't grasp
'why didn't I talk so much
last time'
Thinking about her lately
Everyone I know from Sylva, my hometown, has been updating their facebook statues to this new song thats out, "If I die young."
I know it's suppose to be about the Lady of Shallot but some of the lyrics just really stabbed me in the heart like, "The sharp knife of a short life" really just bummed me out and I ended up sobbing for at least an hour after hearing this song. I started thinking about losing her. Losing Jaelyn. Not being a godmother anymore.
But alas, each day is getting some what easier to deal with. I am by no means over Shandy, its just...the thought of her not suffering anymore is pleasant. And I feel as if I'm being selfish wanting her to be here with me right now.
I'm just hoping I don't forget the sound of her voice, her laughter, her everything...
I know it's suppose to be about the Lady of Shallot but some of the lyrics just really stabbed me in the heart like, "The sharp knife of a short life" really just bummed me out and I ended up sobbing for at least an hour after hearing this song. I started thinking about losing her. Losing Jaelyn. Not being a godmother anymore.
But alas, each day is getting some what easier to deal with. I am by no means over Shandy, its just...the thought of her not suffering anymore is pleasant. And I feel as if I'm being selfish wanting her to be here with me right now.
I'm just hoping I don't forget the sound of her voice, her laughter, her everything...
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