Wild Horses

There hasn't been an ache in my belly for a while now. Sometimes my mind does drift back to her. I think of all the mile stones that I've accomplished since she passed. Being a college senior, getting married, and now living my life with my husband and not having her to talk to about it all.

So, what did my grief evolve into since I've been married? Well, in short, I started appreciating those simple moments when I can't sleep and I run my fingers through Sage's hair. Knowing that I have him by my side and he loves me. Listening to that strong heartbeat of his and realizing that there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for him.

It's funny how we grieve differently. I know he lost his grandparents while he was in college and even before, but he isn't an emotional dude. That has been one of the things that really helped me throughout this  forever process of missing Shandy. He stables me when I'm at my wits end and can't stop crying after I see a photo of her or something that relates back to her...like superman ice cream.

Sometimes Sage and I can't listen to each others heart beats because it makes mortality more porcelain.

I'm rambling but I need to be all that honesty out there. Life is just so delicate and I've become afraid to take chances like I used to. I miss rafting, I miss hiking (I'm terrified of bears now), and snowboarding. I'm afraid to do things that might take me away from Sage. I don't want him to feel the pain that I feel...

I don't know... Becoming emotionally invested in people hurts towards the end of some life paths but I guess life wouldn't be worth living if we didn't feel some pain along the way. Sage makes me want to enjoy life again.

Here's to my Sprite:  Wild Horses

The wedding is soon

May 22nd is not only going to be a day of celebrating the love Sage and I share, but also the love of the ones who couldn't be there.

Shandy, Jaylen, Ed, Debbie, Nanny, Grandpa Joe, Sage's 3 grandparents, and everyone else who couldn't be there for some reason or the other. We love you all.

It's only when I'm not tired

I find myself more troubled by the demons late at night, missing her. I wish I wasn't so productive at nighttime. The darkness haunts me and makes the air I breathe hurt my lungs.

Be Happy

Feeling

I just got done watching It's Kind of a Funny Story and it gave me some insight. I won't tell you here, you'll have to watch it for yourself, but instead of feeling like nothing is happening to me and being numb and sad I need to celebrate my life that I have.

I can't keep this guilt in my heart anymore about Shandy. We did fucked up things to each other but we also loved each other. I'm going to remember the good times and the bad and remember to keep living without the misty haze affecting my life anymore.

No friend is ever perfect. Granted Shandy and I were so very alike in so many ways with the way we wanted a better future for the next generations, how we enjoyed the serenity of being immersed in nature, the way we expressed ourselves visually instead of verbally, etc. Those thoughts and memories are going to have to continue on as such. I can't bring her back, and I wouldn't want to. I've grown since August 21st. It was a bumpy road. I can't look at my birthday the same way anymore.

Maybe there isn't some symbolism of why she had to die that day. It was just how it happened. It sucks. But in a way that date is symbolic now because it will be a day I will rebirth her memory and Jaylen.

I'm tired of making myself sad. I'm shifting and it feels good.

Funny memories during TRAXX

One of the many songs Shandy and I sang together

Stayin' Alive - Bee Gees

or Numa Numa on the back roads through the woods.

Making a list

During the mourning process, there is a time you stop missing the person in a way. I'm currently making a list of things Shandy and I did to each other that made the other mad. I'm making her human again. I'm taking her death off the pedestal and looking at her in a honest manner.

Granted, I still do miss her. The other day during a critique I was talking about a piece that is part of a series called Soul Searcher. The series focuses on her and Jaylen. How I feel like I'm just this floating soul thats lost and I'm searching for the meaning of it all. When I was discussing the symbolism in the piece I broke down. I have no one I can turn to to talk about Shandy the way I knew her. It was the first time in a long while I had a conversation about her and it shocked my system.

It's hard for me to imagine the gift I was presented with by her to be her daughters God Mother. How I still dream of spoiling that little girl! But I never will...in this life time at least.

But, like I said before, I'm making a list to make her human again instead of thinking of her as the perfect person in the world. In a way I still think she is, mostly because we were so alike. She was my carbon copy in way.

.............

I'm tired

Sick. Tired. Blah, blah, blah. At least its sunny out :)

"A rush of emotion just ran through me...

like a angry river cleansing the bed of rocks

of dirt and decay

of the past"

I don't talk about my beliefs that much. But here it goes. I'm first and foremost a die hard liberal who believes in the freedom of choice. Even though I may never go down that path I believe in the freedom. I believe a woman has the right stand up for her opinion and not be oppressed by tyrannical men.

Secondly, I'm a Christian. It wasn't till tonight I started to really think about the pain I felt inside of my heart for the loss of Shandy and Jaylen the most purely. I've begun a series titled "Soul Searcher" for my printmaking class. It's based upon the meditations of the soul that I've started to realize. Such as the need for the body just to let go, let the soul rise away from this damned world.

It wasn't till I started to listen to Coldplay's album A Rush Of Blood To The Head tonight I realized I haven't been feeding my soul the nourishment it needed to heal wholly.  The lyrics spoke to me like a prayer and I began to cry. It was the best cry I've had in a long time. I knew Shandy and Jaylen were alright. I know now that I still have a long time to fully heal from losing them, but I'm not the only one. So here I am sharing my love to you all who read this blog. 

Shandy was warm. She was kind. She was my soulmate and I'll miss her more than anything. But even though I may miss her, later in life I know I'll be closer each and every day to seeing her again. I have to have hope. I have to have faith that I everything will be fine. I have to be more kind to myself so I can start the healing process.

Tired of it

Sometimes I wish someone would just call and let me vent to them. I'm so tired of holding everything in. I'm tired of trying to reach out to people and they never respond back when I need them the most.

I'm tired of being percieved as strong and people thinking I don't need someone to talk to about my most inner feelings.

At least I knew I had all that in Shandy. But it doesn't matter at this moment, now does it?

Love Poems from God

"It hurts the most when it's someone close..."



I know I'm not a street gangster or anything, but many of the lyrics got me feeling a connection to 2Pac...


2Pac - Hurts the Most

The Moon Was Once A Moth

The moon was once a moth who ran to her lover,
they embraced, and she ultimately passed away
with such a smile everywhere on her body.

Over a period of time, her wings feel to the earth
and sanctified the meadows.
Angels cam and buried the limbs
that touched His mouth.

The moon was once a moth who ran to God,
they entwined.

Now just her luminous soul remains
and we gaze at it
at night.



A poem from the book Love Poems from God

"You were always on my mind..."

So, suffice to say, I'm feeling a little better.  Its strange to think that in a way I haven't really thought of her this past week.  When I did there was this little wave of electricity that went through out my body.  Just reminding me that I can feel it, reminding me that I still have a life to live and to live it.



I've been planning the wedding more in depth lately as well, so my mind has been in a completely different place.  She was one of my bridesmaids and if I didn't have a sister she would've been one of my top choices to be the my maid of honor.  It'll be weird taking that huge life step without her being there to witness it.

And theres people out there that believe that the dead can see us in the afterlife, many people have told me that to make me feel better, but that doesn't comfort me at all because I know it isn't the truth.  She'll just have to wait for all the details when its my turn to find nirvana.

I don't know. I'm sick and in a weird sick mood. Blah.

You would've loved Lula, Shandy

Tonight I reached for my chest
Realizing that the little scratch you gave me
So sore and pained when I first received it
Has went away

And I have no idea whats wrong with this earth
Why you had to be so young, defenseless
Taken away and barely six weeks

Your softness was such a blessing
So tiny, framed in fur of snow and brown hues
Loved so tenciously
Loved till your sweet, virtuous end...


I have recently lost a kitten that my family had adopted the day before Christmas Eve.  Her name was Lula-Bella.  The most perfect little creature you could imagine.  Shandy would've loved her.  I was told that I'm still in the age of receiving things in my life, but as of late it seems that every new thing I start to love recently has been ripped away.

Wintry.